transUnited and You!

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“Maybe its the simple things,” she slurred, her mouth slightly agape. I could see how unfocused her eyes were, how uncertain and shaky her thoughts became. She was gone. Almost a body without a soul. Her hand clenched mine as her eyes rolled around in her head like marbles.

“Maybe the simple things what, ma?” I muttered, pulling the sheet up and tucking it under her chin.

“Maybe the simple things will make life worth living after I am gone,” her eyes focused on me for a split second before resuming their journey.

For once since the beginning of her hospital stay she made sense. And then everything stopped. Her eyes rolled back, her mouth sagged, and a high pitched tone filled the room.

She was gone after one spec of sanity, one moment of clarity. A nurse came in and checked her pulse then motioned for a doctor.

I squeezed my mother’s hand and smiled. Now she wont have to suffer.

Top Surgery Trials and Tribulations

I want top surgery. I’ve never been shy about that, hidden from that fact, or tried to make it not so.

Quite the contrary. I spoke about it. Maybe I was too in your face about it? Maybe I turned some people off?

I cannot currently work because my mental and physical health, and now, weighing heavy on me, I may not be able to get top surgery.

I have a mitral valve prolapse, which sounds pretty harmless and my doctor says it’s fairly common. I’ll put a link at the end of this so you guys can get all of the details about it.

I talked to my surgeon I have picked and he was honest with me. Because of the prolapse I am more at risk of dying during surgery, even this one. Uhhhhh…Oh….well…

Hearing that has made me slightly depressed. I know my prolapse is annoying, somewhat painful, and just plain bothersome, but I didn’t really think I could DIE. Knowing this has put me in a funk.

Do I take the possible risk and get surgery? Do I say fuck it and bind for the rest of my life? I really want the surgery. It has always been my dream to have a flat chest. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being stubborn. But now I’m so scared it isn’t even funny.

On a side note, need to figure out when I’m visiting my family. But I’ll do a post about that later.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/mitral-valve-prolapse/DS00504

Right now the question is, do I get the surgery or decide to say fuck it?

Fucking Rant

Ok, I’m about to seem like a douche in three seconds. Ready? Good.

Fuck you, you fucking asshole. Who are you to say who the fuck is trans or not? I don’t give a fuck how big your ego is, how do you refuse to help another trans man because he doesn’t currently have a permanent address. You just broke someone’s heart. Congrats. He gets to start off knowing how full of shit this community can be sometimes. Amazing.

Back to fucking square one. Last time I raise someone’s hopes.

My Mind…

My mind is hard wired right now to one thing and one thing only. Sex. So be prepared to hear a lot about it. Because it’s all I think about.

Noel says I’m addicted to porn, but that’s not the case. I just love sex. Sex and fucking. And it’s weird. I went from having little to no sex drive to constant sex drive. Which we were expecting with the hormones and what not. But THIS. My attraction to men has greatly increased, probably because my confidence has as well. Which has caused an issue…

I’m in a relationship with a woman. Whom I love very much. But men…and the thought of having sex with a man, for some reason, is the biggest turn on to me right now.

With that aside, we discussed something. I want to be a guiding light to trans men, you guys know that, but at the same time I want to explore my sexual freedom. I guess I will just have to see how this goes. Here’s crossing my fingers and hoping no one looks down on me or views me as a whore.

I’m just a guy doing what he does to get by.

By the way, business is going well. Will add details as more things are actually coming up. Here’s to love, life, and a lot of sex.

:D

Music, My Lover

I am in love with music.

Sometimes I hesitate, but I always fall in love with music again. Every song is like a new lover. Some I revisit, some I don’t. But I always love it. The feeling it gives me, the path it takes me down, the explosion I feel when I hear certain notes played together.

Music has helped me through the worst of times, the best of times, and just the times.

For a second my love of music betrayed me. But then it was there. Like a constant burning torch. Music.

I love you, music. I’m in love with you. And you never let me down.