October 2010
1 post
Untitled
“Maybe its the simple things,” she slurred, her mouth slightly agape. I could see how unfocused her eyes were, how uncertain and shaky her thoughts became. She was gone. Almost a body without a soul. Her hand clenched mine as her eyes rolled around in her head like marbles.
“Maybe the simple things what, ma?” I muttered, pulling the sheet up and tucking it under her...
August 2010
20 posts
Top Surgery Trials and Tribulations
I want top surgery. I’ve never been shy about that, hidden from that fact, or tried to make it not so.
Quite the contrary. I spoke about it. Maybe I was too in your face about it? Maybe I turned some people off?
I cannot currently work because my mental and physical health, and now, weighing heavy on me, I may not be able to get top surgery.
I have a mitral valve prolapse, which sounds...
Fucking Rant
Ok, I’m about to seem like a douche in three seconds. Ready? Good.
Fuck you, you fucking asshole. Who are you to say who the fuck is trans or not? I don’t give a fuck how big your ego is, how do you refuse to help another trans man because he doesn’t currently have a permanent address. You just broke someone’s heart. Congrats. He gets to start off knowing how full of shit...
My Mind...
My mind is hard wired right now to one thing and one thing only. Sex. So be prepared to hear a lot about it. Because it’s all I think about.
Noel says I’m addicted to porn, but that’s not the case. I just love sex. Sex and fucking. And it’s weird. I went from having little to no sex drive to constant sex drive. Which we were expecting with the hormones and what not. But...
Music, My Lover
I am in love with music.
Sometimes I hesitate, but I always fall in love with music again. Every song is like a new lover. Some I revisit, some I don’t. But I always love it. The feeling it gives me, the path it takes me down, the explosion I feel when I hear certain notes played together.
Music has helped me through the worst of times, the best of times, and just the times.
For a second...
Our First....
(Author’s Note: This is gonna get interesting. Lets see if I can make this flow the way I want.)
We held our breath that first time. Barely breathing in the silence of my room. I was renting it, a small room in the back of the trailer. Renting it from you and your fiancée. And yet here you were, lying beneath me in the calm of that small space. The lights from the cars passing by outside...
DiD and Losing a Friend
Firstly I would like to say that you will notice that a lot of my posts will probably have the heading DiD and something or just plain DiD. This is something I deal with daily, and it effects me in huge ways. There are years out of my life missing. And it sucks.
Anyway, that thing I wanted to cover in my post today is my lack of switching. YAY! I like not switching. Switching is the term my...
Awkward
So, I went downstairs. Simple enough. And there sat a young teenager. Looking at me and wondering. And I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t experienced that stare in a long time. So it caught me by surprise first. The “looks like a woman” stare. And it’s a teenager, so no politeness filter. So I did what I do.
Looked her in the eye and said, “Hi, I’m...
Never Named
“Say the truth,” you whisper, “Tell me that you’re tempted.”
Let those words escape my lips, I was unsure. The fall looked dangerous and sent a slight shiver up my back. Although there was clearly water beneath this cliff we straddled, there were also rocks. Sharp and jagged.
“Jump with me,” you say. A large smile on your face as you begin to undress. I...
Take One
She held on to her deep blue blouse, it was her favourite. The tears running down her face seemed to never stop as I stood in the doorway. Laura stopped for a second, her shoulders bouncing with the inaudible sobs escaping her throat. She had shouted it from the very depths within her, shaking the entire house. “I hate you.” After everything Laura was sure that this was it. And I stood...
Stories And Luck
Firstly, I need to get all my stories off of blogspot and on here. I like tumblr way more! (No offense, blogspot. What we had was sweet, but short lived.)
Now, recently, I’ve been going through a hard time. I felt like shit, to be honest. I felt like a lot of my brothers had turned their backs on me. And I had no one to turn to. That’s changed in the recent days. Finding brothers I...
Changes, Changes
This is about the changes I’ve been experiencing while on T.
The first thing my partner noticed when I started T was my chest hairs. They started growing in a slight patch on my chest. Not too noticeable, but noticeable enough to make her go “Well look at that!”
Now, I didn’t start really looking at my body until very recently, so most of these will be things she...
WTF Pet Insurance?
Ok, so my partner and I have two dogs, so we’re looking into pet insurance. No biggie. But what the hell?! I have to pay a monthly fee AND pay out of pocket up front to get reimbursed later? Uhhhh…no.
We need pet insurance because I don’t have the money to pay out of pocket for those kinds of things. I wish I had $1,000 laying around in case my dog nomed some foreign object, but...
Hello, Followers!
It’s a long night and I’m nowhere near sleepy. Anyone have any questions for me?
July 2010
19 posts
School Days
School has been out for way too many summers for me and I’m heading back on Monday. Whew. So soon! And yet, I can’t wait! My major makes me happy: Philosophy. My school makes me happy. And my life makes me extremely happy.
I am in the middle of changing my life forever. Once I move, I will be starting over as Samael and only Samael. I can’t wait! PLUS! Having that M on my...
Reaching Out, Take My Hand
I need advice, brothers. From all of you. And the ones you know, and so on. I need this to spread like wildfire. Because I need help.
I need help raising money and getting money together for my top surgery. I’ve had one brother explode at me, saying I shouldn’t be asking for help. But I thought that’s what being a part of community was all about? Getting help when we needed it?...
I Am
I felt like less than a man today. Questioned my manhood, and felt empty. Who am I?
My partner’s parents refuse to acknowledge me as a man. The man that I know I am inside. A proud man. Not cocky or overly annoying, not in your face or abrasive. Just a man doing his own thing, trying to live his live for him and the family he’s trying to create.
Instead I was called an Italian Woman,...
I Want To Do Everything!
I think there’s something wrong with me. I literally want to do everything. Well…not EVERYTHING. But there are a lot of things that interest me.
I want to teach.I want to DJ. I want to tattoo. I want to get published. I want to paint. I want to write a movie. I want to be in a band.
I want to be somebody.
Oh my gosh. Ok, now that I’m done with that. My main thing is the DiD...
Techno Geek: Samsung HD 3D TV
(Writer’s Note: Ok, I wrote this sometime ago for a magazine I was gonna be a part of. I figure, might as well share it. I don’t know how good it is, but I did my research. Hope you guys in enjoy. Remember, this is slightly dated and no one else had released a 3D TV yet.)
When everyone thinks what’s cool and brand spanking new this year in electronics, only one thing comes to...
ChipIn, Name Change, and Meshing
So I’ve created a ChipIn, as you can see to the left, and I’m quite proud of it. It’s all about raising money to get this done, right? Right. Excited to see if people give. It’s a good cause. I mean, it will mean a happier me. And everyone loves a happier me, yes?
Also, I am happier today! I got my name change paperwork in. I am not officially Samael (pronounced Sa-MALL)....
"She," Trans Calendar Fuck-Up, and Sleepiness
I need to rant and rave a bit, because I’m not feeling well.
Firstly, I’m tired. All the time. It started out as a sore throat and swollen lymph nodes, and now I could sleep the day away. Even coffee isn’t making a dent. Hoping it passes soon because I’m so aggravated.
Secondly, I’m extremely irritated. I’ve started T, and it’s really changing the way I...
Red Dead Redemption
Firstly, SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERSSPOILERSSPOILERS! Including the ending.
Ok, Secondly, I did NOT play RDR. My partner and her brother did. And everything I write in here is from watching their game play.
Press “Read More” at your own risk!
Now that I have those things out of the way, Red Dead Redemption is a great game! And by great I mean amazingly awesome! It’s nice to look at, and...
Binders Needed
I don’t usually do this, but I’m looking for one or two binders. Money is tight right now, and I know my trans brothers are here to help me (at least, sometimes.) I’m XS and will take anything. I’d prefer for the binders to be black, but my old one is falling apart so quickly right now and is close to no longer binding at all, that all binders are accepted.
Let me know!...
Forever Since I Wrote
Her feet dipped in and out of the water, swinging seductively. Reaching down, she trailed her fingers over the top of the water, barely caressing it. This was her home. Surrounded by nothing but love and creatures and green as far as her eyes could see.
Tanis looked up, staring out at the forest that held the lake in it’s embrace, never letting go like a loving mother. Her sanctuary.
The...
Options Options
So, I found a surgeon for my top surgery. And let me tell you, I’m scared shitless. Not because of fear, per se. But because I know it’s coming. I’m excited and nervous and…gah! I need to start saving up, so be on the look out for ways to donate to my surgery. Worse comes to worse, I’ll have to apply to the foundation. But I’m hoping that wont happen.
Now I...
My Transition
When I came out about wanting to transition a lot of things went through my mind. Even before I came out. My mind raced with whatif’s and ohGodno’s and things. My biggest worry was, and will always be, people’s reactions. Even though I have always said I could give two fucks about what people think or say about me, it isn’t true. I love being liked, as does everyone.
The...
June 2010
7 posts
I've Been Thinking...
I think I want to document my transition in the form of pictures. Unfortunately, we don’t have a good enough camera to get the job done. I’ll just have to see what I can do. I’m currently on my third shot of T, and I although slight I can already see the changes in my body. Also! My name change paperwork is in. I’m excited about what’s to come.
Does that make any sense?
So, I saw this huge ground-breaking art exhibit that’s going on. Some of the LGBTQ community is a-buzz with it. A woman is trying to show that LGBTQ love isn’t wrong by taking pictures and showing them, you can even order prints. Pretty cool right?
Ehhh…
She took pictures of one couple. Only one. And it’s a lesbian couple. In different states of undress and sexual poses....
