When I came out about wanting to transition a lot of things went through my mind. Even before I came out. My mind raced with whatif’s and ohGodno’s and things. My biggest worry was, and will always be, people’s reactions. Even though I have always said I could give two fucks about what people think or say about me, it isn’t true. I love being liked, as does everyone.

The first person I came out to was my partner, even though we weren’t together yet. I loved her then, like I love her now, and felt this ache in my stomach to tell someone. I immediately went to her. Sending her a quick IM and then minimizing the screen so I didn’t have to see her response. I was scared. I’d never told anyone. I never knew how to word it.

She was nice. Calm, collected, but shocked. When we went to college I seemed like such a confident lesbian. And here I am 5 years later, a queer transman.

When I told my parents, I wrote them a letter. I was unfortunate to tell my mother on the same day as the pregnant transman was blowing up. She flipped out and said that was why. But it wasn’t. I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin. I needed to. I was so depressed and unhappy. I knew to breathe, because it had taken me 22 years to figure out this is what I wanted, I couldn’t expect anyone to understand overnight. That’s just crazy.

I came out as trans to more and more people and I was happy. I never have nor do I ever plan to be quiet about being trans. Becoming stealth isn’t something I’ve ever wanted to do. Because, what about all those young guys who want to come out as trans? Searching the internet furiously to find an answer to how they feel? Can’t find information because everyone is stealth? I was one of those people before. A young lesbian looking for answers. I want to be the answer for someone. I want to be that open book that is there like a rock.

That isn’t why I wanted to write this blog, however. Since coming out as trans, I’ve received a lot of backlash from the black community. But it’s as I expected. The black community isn’t always the most accepting community. For awhile, they had me questioning my transition. Did I really want to put my parents through the talks and stares and bullshit? In the end, I decided to make myself happy and say fuck it to all the shit from where I spent my last two years of High School (which was pretty ghetto). Since starting T, and being out, I have found that more women I went to school with are trying to talk to me and be my friend my facebook. Which is fine. But I’ve left that place behind. Left that person behind.

I don’t want to freak them out or make them uncomfortable because I’m really not the old me. Coming out and living as a man has opened my eyes. And I love who I’ve become. An outgoing asshole. Which is fine for me!

Ok, enough rambling.

The point I’m trying to make is I love myself, flaws and all, and I’m happier than a pig in shit about this transition.